When I think about you, I feel like someone is gently waking me up from a long nap. That feeling of waking up late on your day off, where the sun bounces off your wall so perfectly that when you first open your eyes you’re greeted with the warmth of the day. Your dog waking up next to you and giving you a kiss. Your room is quiet enough to pray and thank God for the things he’s blessed you with and you can hear the sincerity in your heart. You think you slept for too long and wasted the entire day, but it’s only 11am. You have the whole day ahead of you! You feel so refreshed and ready to go. You think about going for that jog around town. You remember today’s the day you are meeting your best friends for lunch and finally visiting that exhibit at that museum…
"it’s love made in the usa"
23:04 (via luxisdying)
Umar ibn Al-Khattab
So I mentioned how I have been going through some “stuff” lately, and I think it’s okay to admit that I’m heartbroken and having an extremely difficult time with my recent breakup. It’s amazing how loud God’s voice is in our lives but even more amazing how good we are at drowning out his voice. It’s really unfortunate but I only see God moving in my life in times of crisis. Last week’s message was exactly what I needed to hear, but this week was even better. Last week I thought I had to just be strong and put on a happy face for God and everyone else but pastor Levi Lusko reminds us that "God doesn’t ask you to put a nice face on an ugly thing." There’s no real need for me to lie and say I’m okay. I know that eventually I’ll be okay. Without a doubt. But right now I’m hurting bad. But it says in
2 Timothy 1:10:
"but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.”
God destroyed death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. I’m not going through a major loss like a death in the family or a loved one but that’s not a reason to minimize my problem. My relationship was pretty amazing and to lose it in the way that I did was unfair and left me in the dark.
"Indeed he was ill, and almost died. But God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow.”
A tragic loss will leave us with sorrow upon sorrow. Sadness upon sadness. Lusko compares this to having waves crashing on you. Wave after wave, after wave. Just when you reach the shore and stand up to take a breath, another wave of sorrow hits you in the face and drags you back into the deep abyss. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately.
I know what I’m going through is a good lesson for me. It’s allowing me to walk steadfast toward God and grow to be a better version of myself but it’s hard. It is really really really really hard… I have hope that God will steer me in the right direction and I know he will offer me a hand out of this treacherous storm but seriously… “hurting with hope still hurts!" It really really really hurts.
"33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
35 Jesus wept.”
Sorrow and pain is real. It’s so real that when we are feeling sorrow and we weep, Jesus weeps with us. There’s no reason or need to put on a facade and say you’re okay. We need to learn to “give people the space to hurt and heal in God’s timing.”
Sorrow and death is unfortunately an inevitable part of life. But that’s not an excuse to allow sorrow upon sorrow to bring us crashing down and letting our faith and foundation crumble. We need to "train for the trial you’re not yet in." We need to have a strong foundation so that when we face the waves of sorrow, we are ready to take heart. "Losing heart is easy. Taking heart is a decision, it’s voluntary, it’s hard." "There is strength waiting for you."
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
I know God is for me and will in time heal me of all my wounds and make me better. Make me a better version of who I am today. I have been telling myself and others that I’m okay, but it’s clear that it’s totally okay to not be okay right now. “Trust God and let him use your pain." and that’s what I’m going to do. I know I’m in this situation for a reason and whatever the reason, I will have faith in knowing that in this small storm, Jesus walks with me. He is showing me his infinite grace and wisdom and sparing me from the huge storm of tomorrow. I know as I walk through the storm, I am broken and limping, but God weeps with me and knows my pain and knows how to heal me. I trust him completely and know that I will be okay.
Pastor Levi gave us four things to help us through “Saturday.” (The day in between the Friday when Jesus died, and the Sunday when he rose again)
1. Don’t rely on the naked eye.
Have faith! I don’t know why I’m going through the things I’m going through today but I know God has blessed me with a lot more than I deserve. I’ve been surrounded by people who love me. People who I didn’t even think remembered me, or cared about me. They all came outta nowhere to check up on me; even without knowing what I was going through. Friends who I haven’t spoken to in years have hit me up to “catch up” only to find out that I’m having one of the worst times of my life, YET they say I’m clearly more optimistic than they remember! God is using me through these hard times to change me and to shine the light of his grace onto others (Matthew 5:16). Right now my eyes are less than naked. I lost my best friend. My partner in crime. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going but I can feel God’s presence now more than I ever have and so I know I will be okay.
2. Remain planted in the house.
Through all this, I am so proud of myself for still attending the church that started my relationship with her and that revitalized my relationship with God. I know being planted in the house is the way to go and that’s what will help me grow up to be a stronger version of myself. A deeply routed foundation is what I need and I am so blessed to have found it and I will never let go of that and take it for granted.
3. Let God use your pain.
I don’t really cry (since I’m such a man) but I’m not afraid to admit that a good amount of tears (and snot/drool) have been shed over this. One of the coolest things that’s happened was when I told my mom how difficult of a time I’m having with this. I was explaining to her how I felt and when I looked up, she simply said “I know.” It’s so crazy thinking about how much our parents love us. My mom didn’t have to say anything. I didn’t need her to tell me that I’ll be okay, or that she loves me, she simply had to acknowledge that she knows. I cried like a little baby. Like legit was drooling out my nose, mouth eyes… it was gross but sitting there crying like that with my mom really brought me closer to her. Not just on a personal/family matter, but this pain has brought me closer to friends that I’ve lost touch with. I’ve also gotten really good response from my last post from like complete strangers too. So many people have reached out to me to thank me for sharing and that they needed to hear that. I mean, I really just wrote it for myself. I didn’t care about anyone else honestly. I wanted to kinda brag how good I was doing and how I’m on the right path, but it’s clear that God is speaking to others THROUGH me, and there’s nothing else in this world more satisfying than knowing that I, a silly little asian boy with a blog who got dumped, can be used as a tool to spread the gospel. It’s amazing and really humbling. I am confident that this pain is worth suffering through and that God, in his time, will heal me and allow me to use it to help others.
4. Take heart.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
"Losing heart is easy. Taking heart is a decision, it’s voluntary, it’s hard." "There is strength waiting for you."
How easy it would be for me to just sit at home and mope about what’s going on. It would be so easy for me to just be sad. To give up. But I am taking the road less traveled because I know there is something waiting for me at the end of this journey.
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me"
There’s no denying that this dark valley that I walk through today is scary. It’s real dark. Darker than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life but through all of this, I know God has his hand on my shoulder and he’s with me and he will never leave me. Through all this I know God will shine his light upon me and my journey and that only he can turn off the dark.
Thanks for reading. Have a good one.
Who do you write these little love letters for?
I write them for me now
you still look really good with a clean shave and haircut ;)